When I had flu I was in bed for a week I couldn't get up I just stayed in bed, aching body, aching face, migraines, fever, running red noes, chapped lip the lot I was a mess. Chris was doing everything the good news I wasn't eating and so he didn’t have to cook for me and I didn't leave the bedroom so I was tidy (apart from the tissues laying at the side of the bed). I was a state I slept all day for the first two days, after that I cried most of one day because I didn't want Chris to leave me alone (which he didn't missing a meeting,oops) after that I lay on the sofa watching movies and reading and sleeping and complaining. Like I said I was a state! Some mornings I wake in a bad mood now that is a women right I feel because sometimes waking up just isn't what you want to do. I shouted most of the morning about how messy the house was about how I living here and eventually left the house and sat in Starbucks feeling sorry for myself. I go through days and days of self loathing I get ready for the day only to cry because I hate how I look or what I’m wearing and look in the mirror only to hate myself more. I feel like a failure as a wife, friend, volunteer, and mostly child of God. Really what I’m trying to get at is I’m a pain in the butt, I kick up a fuss, I run my mouth off, I’m difficult, I shout and swear and fight, I snore, I wait as long as I can before getting up and showered in the morning. I pick my noes, I talk with my mouth full, I burp really loud. I'm rude I always say the wrong thing because I want to see the reaction and I secretly hope its a bad one, If I don't like you, you will know about it!
Why would God ever love someone like me? How could he ever love someone like me?
God who see beyond my imperfect and loves my heart. How can I continue to focus on myself in such a negative way when I should be concentration on Him reverse pride is still pride have I becoming my own idol? This isn't going to happen over night I will always have ugly days of self loathing but I hope I can always come back to the cross and remember I exchanged my rages for His righteousness and what a beautiful trade that is. Looking away from myself and to the girls I am trying to support what more to teach than love, that God thinks your beautiful and not because he can pay for you for a few minutes or because you pay him because that's would good girlfriends do, He would never force this love but it comes gently and freely. I want them to see through me the glory of God because I know that God thinks I'm beautiful and because I am worthy of this love and so are you.
Don't listen to lies especially from yourself , accept who you are in Christ, God will always give you the best and nothing less when we leave the decision up to him!
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