because that's who I am today.

I was so sure my heart would stop from missing life so much. Sometimes thinking about it is the salt taste in my mouth making all sweet things taste bitter.

I've started working now, I sit behind a desk and my heart flies away to you (maybe that's why I do so many things wrong). I waited for someone to tell me it's ok, that what I'm doing now is ok, that at some point this waiting game would be worth it.

My head is so full of rushing and wondering I'm not sure of who I am at the moment. It's a different someone to who I was last Tuesday .

Last Tuesday I was strong and mindfull. I spoke correctly and didn't swear as much.

Today I am ready to run away and leave this place behind. Today I make too many mistakes in the attempt to correct myself. Today I upset people for no reason other than make myself look better. Today I cry. Today I want to tell you that not everything is fairy dust, that some things are just dust.

I'm trying so hard to be what you want me to be. Even when it doesn't look like it I care, because here, in this place, today! I have to.

Maybe tomorrow I will be she who doesn't care what anybody thinks. Maybe tomorrow it will be ok for things to be wonderful.

I just want to tell you!

I want to do something!
Anything.
I want to write,
I want my words to flow freely from my pen
I want them to rise up and dance.
I want to run
somewhere, till nothing matters
what pains cant space heal?

I want to know what I have never understood before.
I want to sing
and shout
make me a little girl
I want childlike eyes so when I look at you I just see you!
I want to talk
I want to ask you things and tell you things

I want my heart to blanket
(not my heart your heart)
I want to love everyone, I do
I want everyone to know you
God's high, long, wide immeasurable love.
And if you don’t know it yet
My love for you matters

My love for you matters

and I love you

Even if you don't believe it,
even if its hard to believe it,
even if everyone loves you
in the waiting rooms,
between the sheets
or no one loves you
My love for you matters.

When it rains my father holds a iron umbrella
He is a raft in times of trouble
He is humble and in Him grace abounds

I like to think you know you aren’t forgotten
that all your bruising against this world won't go to waste
that it will burn away to embers
but the embers could guide home ships from sea.